Rejoice and be glad! Two young people have found love. Two wealthy, talented, good-looking people (Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson) somehow discovered each other (backstage at Saturday Night Live) and after a presumably intoxicating, supra-light-speed romance (six weeks, maximum) are now engaged. I, for one, am thrilled for these frolicsome love lemurs.
Yet apparently, to some, the swiftly flowing river of Ariana and Pete’s love looks more like a churning lava flow blazing its way towards Emotions Hell. For example, per a certain someone in the ELLE.com slack: “I’m like pre-emptively embarrassed for them when it inevitably crashes and burns. It just reminds me so much of like me in high school.”
For the record, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but this is wrong.
I have yet to do a load of laundry during Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson’s relationship. – Michael Bennett (@BennettOnAir) June 12, 2018
First of all, please do not speak that way about these two, who are so adorable that they remind me of those two otters holding hands in the water. Second of all, it’s partially none of our business (apart from the bit where they put it on Instagram and she, erm, has a new album and a fragrance coming out soon). Third of all, celebrity relationships are a longtime spectator sport anchored only a tiny proportion in IRL behavioral norms. The banal things we think about, like relationship longevity, the propriety of grand-scale displays of affection, and romantic opportunity cost, do not apply to Young Famouses. Just put yourself in their shoes: If you had 10,000 times the money you actually do have, wouldn’t you act 10,000 time more extra? Exactly. This is only, like, 9 times more extra than the average person (fewer if we’re talking about your friend from college who had a gender reveal party for her puppy!!!!), so actually they’re being kind of relaxed about the whole thing, if you think about it! Fourth: They are perfect donut-licking angels and deserve love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
got a bed w your name on it – Ariana Grande (@ArianaGrande) June 11, 2018
I understand that the heteronormative tradition of state-sanctioned apparent monogamy, also known as “marriage,” strikes fear and rage into the heart of young liberals and feminists alike. I myself have personally shunned it thus far. But here’s why getting engaged is actually no biggie for these betrotheds.
- Ariana and Pete are super rich and can protect their respective fortunes with the best legal advice on offer, and they probably will.
- It’s possible that some intervening event will prevent them from actually getting married after all, and while all break-ups are at least a bit sad and bad, it’s such a normal part of life that you didn’t even look up from your Cheerios when I said it.
- If they do get married, maybe they will get divorced! Maybe they will stay together! Honestly, the odds are basically split! You know that as well as me, come on.
- Even if it does crash and burn they will learn a lot from the experience and grow significantly as individuals. That is what human people do.
And here is why it’s actually so beautiful and sweetly excellent that they are engaged:
- They have found each other in the midst of a sad, sad, sad, sad, sad world and enjoy each other’s company so much that they can’t help but flirt on Instagram and get commemorative tattoos and sojourn to Disneyland and buy really big, expensive diamond rings. “Grandson” (also the funniest ship name of all time) is like a visual dictionary entry for “limerence,” and if you don’t appreciate the giddy specter of something so pure and rare, you are a monster and I can’t have you in my house! Do you know how unusual it is to meet someone you don’t want to immediately hurl on? Literally tell me the last time you encountered a person who made you think, “I LOVE YOU IMA TATTOO YOUR FACE ON MY FACE.” That’s right-not since you were 16. Don’t write me an angry email. I know that’s not the only kind of love that exists, and I’m not prioritizing it over any other kind of romantic feeling. But it is such a straightforward pleasure to see two non-creepy humans enjoy each other so much. (If anybody finds a cute, hygienic, and financially stable person who can also talk Harry Potter trivia with me, honestly I’m available!!!!)
- Big gestures are romantic and fun and they are not hurting anyone-and most definitely not you. They are just “lovin’ and livin’ and pickin’ it up.” Don’t be mad.
Also, if you didn’t think this is the kind of thing that would happen in Ariana Grande’s life, you haven’t been paying any attention at all. Girl loves love and being in love. “Everyday” lyrics read as follows: “Anytime I’m alone, I can’t help thinking about you / All I want, all I need, honestly, it’s just me and you / He giving me that good shit / That make me not quit, that good shit.” Yep! “Into You” is probably the best song ever written about having your hands suddenly magnetized to someone else’s body. “Love Me Harder”: for when just “being into” someone isn’t enough. “Dangerous Woman” is an infatuated sex chant so deadly it could make your aunt take off her pants and get up on an Arby’s counter. “Side to Side” is literally about having so much sex you get very bad chafing. “Let Me Love You”: explains itself. (Why do you want to bone Lil Wayne all of a sudden? My case is closed.)
“No Tears Left to Cry”? Probably contains secret coded messages about her engagement ring. In conclusion: LOVE IS GREAT.