If you're anything like me, you dive for your phone the second it dings, convinced you're about to receive life-altering information. Instead, it's a text reminder about your dog's dentist appointment. Maybe, if our phones always told the cold, hard truth—yes, everyone knows you used a filter on that photo—we'd be a little less addicted to the darn things. In fact, we'd probably purposefully plunk them in the toilet if they sounded something like this …
Your uncle just commented on your Facebook post. We almost didn’t send you this push notification because you’re going to get all worked up again, and you have that project deadline today, but yeah, it’s about communism and the dark Web, and we thought you should know.
It’s superhero crazy hair day and also bike day at Liam’s preschool. Don’t forget anything. Also, you need to bring in a nut-free gluten-free snack for 15 that convincingly portrays you as a loving and competent mother.
You haven’t played Candy Crush in a while. You aren’t trying to quit again, are you? Last time you did that, you took up smoking.
We sense you’ve been sitting for a while—time to get up and moving! Walking to the fridge doesn’t count.
We added some hot new songs to your most played station, Toddler Radio. In fact, you’ve played only Toddler Radio for the past two years. My god, you’ve listened to “The Wheels on the Bus” more times than everyone else on Pandora combined, you wretched soul.
Your friend, Ryan Stegner, has just posted his first photo on Instagram! Oh, he’s your ex-boyfriend? You’ll never believe how happy and fulfilled he looks on vacation with this woman with perfect skin.
Actually, you don’t want to know. Just Google it later when you have time to get upset.
According to our calendar, your Crimson Tide is two days late. Odds are about equal you’re either pregnant or going through menopause.
Rain will begin at 4:05 p.m. today. Not enough to cancel your daughter’s softball game, but absolutely enough to make it miserable for you to sit through.
Wow, this softball game is taking forever. Get up and take a walk, if only so you don’t permanently meld to these bleachers.
Ryan Stegner just liked your photo. Sadly, we don’t have the technology to know if it’s a pity like. And yes, it’s one of the photos you took of your dog yawning.
You should probably crush some candy while you wait for your period to start. Or at least until your daughter goes up to bat. C’mon. You know you want to throw your life away and crush some delicious candy.
Don’t forget that for Liam’s preschool tomorrow, you have to bring in 18 permission slips, one bucket of sun block, the missing third of the Rosetta Stone, and a single tail feather of a phoenix.
Your uncle just posted something to your timeline. No, there’s no way to delete it without looking at it first.
You received a snap from your teenage daughter. You have no idea what that is or how to view it, do you? Seriously, how can you not just learn how to view them? Are you going through menopause or something?
Ryan Stegner is now live! It looks like he’s proposing to the woman with flawless, shining skin! Guess he wasn’t a commitment-phobe after all.
Wouldn’t it be so easy to forget everything about your life and disappear into a scrumptious land of exploding candy, where you rule as queen until your phone battery dies at 1 a.m.?